Arthur vs. Home Depot

By Friday, July 4, 2014 3 No tags Permalink

If you read my blog, you know where I am this weekend. Seaside. July 4th means fireworks, sand, surf, and sun. And bad beach drivers. Oh, and a lot of Bruce Springsteen blaring “Born in the USA.” Often it’s played during the fireworks or just by a bunch of people tooling around in their tricked-up trucks.

Uh, guys, listen to the lyrics….he isn’t really bragging about being born in the USA! It’s an anti-war song, not a “let’s roll” song! But who am I to insert logic in this little holiday ritual?

Well, this year one haughty-sounding hurricane named Arthur has put a nasty little dent in plans. It’s raining sideways. The wind is howling. The beach house is shaking. My husband’s homemade neighbor-shielding leafy trellis that serves to block the visuals of pot bellied men smoking and drinking while wearing only underwear is not holding up well. I just heard a, “Oh shit” and saw a shadow dash across the room holding a hammer and some cable. I guess I could pause and ask what’s going on, but I’m fairly sure I know. And I also know that it means at least three trips to Home Depot (which ironically was co-founded by an Arthur).

Okay, I couldn’t help it. I peeked. Trellis is down. This is going to be a long day. I decide it IS a day to insert some logic, “Well, no one will be outside smoking in their underwear on a day like this!” It’s not working. HD here we come.

And then it occurs to me. All men can be put into one of three categories: they go to HD once and get everything they need. They go to HD several times because the project changes on them. They don’t go to HD at all. What a choice we ladies have. The first type is terribly uptight and regimented, for sure, but he’s predictable. #2 is time consuming but at least a problem solver. And #3 is a pansy.

Which gets me thinking about how these three types translate when they are traveling, or more specifically, on a plane. Here’s my guess: Mr. Go to HD Once wears a suit or a button down shirt, works on his laptop, he doesn’t help you with your luggage, but he doesn’t get in your way either. Mr. Go to HD Several Times might help you with your bag and he likely spreads his legs into your space, but he will self correct if you make some subtle suggestions. Mr. No Go Ho Depot is the one who is usually next to me on the plane. He looks alright at first, but soon enough he’s untying his shoelaces, hogging the armrest, banging on his laptop and telling someone on the phone to do something for him that someone else didn’t do for him which he’d like done before he has to tell someone else something they have to do.

Write and tell me if you think there is another category that I’ve missed.









  • NJT Veteran
    July 4, 2014

    There’s a 4th type of man — the kind that thinks it’s fun to go to HD just for the pure joy of browsing through the aisles. After all, he never knows what tool might speak to him that day. For this type, HD is the male version of TJ Maxx. He can’t walk out the door without something and doesn’t need a reason to go.

    • Zoe Vogel
      July 4, 2014

      But, NJT Vet, you’re holding back. What does this 4th type of man do on a plane? My guess is that he forgets whether row numbers are in numeric order and consequently roams the aisle before taking the wrong seat. And then he talks to his seat mate until the person passes out. Is that right?

      • NJT Veteran
        July 4, 2014

        This type of man likes to get to the airport extra early to take in the scenery. On the plane he is a bit confused, but settles in after take-off. Beware, he is talkative. Not a bad man to sit next to, unless you want to read, work, or sleep. Best strategy is to put earphones and watch a movie. Alternatively, give in, have a glass of wine, and relax. Opa!

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